I have been thinking further about my previous piece, The Skip in the Groove. In that essay, I wrote about how certain triggers can bring one back into the trauma that you think you have been coming to terms with. An earlier piece, The Butt Dial, spoke of much the same experience, in which a certain triggering event can lead to being temporarily overcome by raw emotion.

That sort of thing can happen to you out of the blue when you are still in the process of negotiating an event that is still very fresh and raw in your memory. It is particularly the case when you have so many unanswered questions about the event itself.

In my case, the event took place less than six months ago. It caused enormous pain, as I have written elsewhere, and the grief that I have felt over it has been intense. It led to a massive upending of my life. Confusion. Anger. A total annihilation of my self-esteem for a while.

But I am letting it go. Bit by bit…

I found in myself a reserve of energy that I did not know that I had. It led to a questioning of my life’s priorities, and set me on course for a new direction. That direction is still very much in its formative stages, but it is there. It is with a growing confidence, self-awareness, and excitement that I am moving forward with a new life in which I call the shots. It is totally up to me to make this thing work. I cannot fall back on others. I am strong, and getting stronger still. I am learning self-reliance.

But I am still processing… and in so doing, still growing… and so I will sometimes fall backwards.

It is not the nature of recovery that it will follow a straight line. There will be twists and turns and forks in the road. Occasionally, those may lead to a cul-de-sac. A dead end. So you refocus. Find your bearings, check your map and set a new course to a destination that you are yet to discover.

Last weekend I hit one of those bumps in the road that led me down a cul-de-sac of my own making. That metaphorical bump was being in my old home town, and so very close to the home I had known only six months prior, with all its memories of a life that has been torn away, but not faded from memory. And so I ruminated and theorized about what had led to that rupture. It caused distress to my companion because clearly I was still too close to the event.

This was supposed to be a date, goddammit! My focus should have totally been on the amazing woman who was with me. And yet, there I was. Stuck in the past. If it had been me in her place, I would have run a million miles in the opposite direction!

And she did…

I sensed her pulling away for the rest of that day. When one has worked hard to bring peace and tranquility into their own lives, why would they want to invite anyone in that could disrupt that? I would not. I would take very careful steps to protect what I had built, and my own peace of mind. And I am plainly too close to my own trauma, and an unusually vitriolic breakup.

Full disclosure: this was the same Lorraine of whom I wrote in Independence Day. A truly remarkable woman, who I hold in the highest regard. It is one of those strange twists of fate that I met this woman far too early on my journey, because sometimes you just sense something about a person. You connect incredibly deeply. Too quickly perhaps. And that can be really scary.

At the very least, she was intrigued enough to invite me into an intimacy that she had long left in neglect. For that I remain truly grateful and honoured, because it involved a tremendous amount of trust on her part.

The night took a bizarre turn. I had made arrangements for her car to be parked in a guest space at my apartment building. This involved signing onto an app and paying a fee. The app indicated that the fee had been paid, and I left it at that. Upon returning to her car that night, we found it had been towed. I was confused and quite frankly rattled. And she was pissed! She had every right to be, and I felt truly awful about the whole thing. We finally found where it had been towed, and I paid the ransom to have the car released.

And so she left.

How could this have happened? Finding no parking pass had been issued, I checked my credit card account and found a “charge” from the parking app made that morning: “$0.00”. The company involved is taking no responsibilty, and I have lodged a complaint with my building’s management.

A few days later, Lorraine texted and told me she felt it would be in both our interests if we didn’t take this any further. Between my ruminations of the afternoon, and the tow, the day had been a disaster! And frankly neither of us had displayed our better sides while under stress.

So, where am I going with this meandering story? Well, first of all: Shit Happens! Looking back, I should have checked that the permit had actually been issued. The software clearly failed, but the responsibility was still mine. Sometimes life is simply a collision of small mistakes and bad luck. This could have happened to anyone.

But beyond all that, is the fact that we all carry baggage. After two marriages, and reaching my 60’s, I have plenty. And so perhaps does Lorraine. It is how we manage that baggage that is key. When we get this far in life, we will all carry scars, and for me the wound is far from healed. I know that, and clearly that wound was opened a little this past weekend. I am not happy about how I responded to that.

Having said that, it is what we learn from these events that matters most. How would I respond in the future? For one, I know that I am an oversharer. I have been told that many times. It is both a blessing and a curse. It means that I tend to open up to people, and reveal too much of myself too early on. But that’s me, what you get is warts and all. And so that is also my superpower, for it is my honesty and openness that is also one of my most attractive traits. It is just that I need to be more strategic in how and when I display that side of myself. How much I give away, and when. This I have learned.

And then, I am someone that values honesty and openness from those who I let into my life. For now I realize that being let into my life is a privilege that others should value. I may not be perfect (far from it), but I am worth the effort. And those who I care for will always have as much of me as I can give.

And I am growing. The events of the past weekend have taught me a lot. I have realized that, as much as I wish it were not the case, I still have much healing to do. And I have much to learn. That is the work that I am doing on this website, with my writing. It is what I have been doing with the design of my living space, and even with the choices that I make in the music that I listen to. And the people that I associate with.

And I have learned that life is chaotic. For all of our best laid plans, it will throw you curveballs. It is how you respond that matters—what you take away, and what you carry forward into a better future. Mistakes will be made. Always seek to do better in the future. I am not defined by my ADHD. I am not defined by the events in my past. I am defined by how I respond to the present, for that is all we have.

Lorraine may now be a part of that past. But as I have written before, people come and go in our lives. Some stay longer than others, and some leave a lasting impact. I wish that I had learned more about this wonderful woman, but that may never come to pass. I am glad to have known her as I did. She was placed on this journey for me to learn more about myself, and perhaps she has taken something away from knowing me. I hope so, because I would like to think that I had a positive impact on her life.

We all carry baggage. Sometimes, the greatest gift we can offer another is a willingness to share that burden and lighten their load.